Showing posts with label Retirement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Retirement. Show all posts

Friday, November 22, 2013

Funny Retirement Jokes that Make Sense

Retirement Joke 1 – How I Made My Money

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars." 

Retirement Plan

Retirement Joke 2 – Last Wishes

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

Retirement Joke 3 – Paint my Portrait

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.”
“But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.
“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”

Retirement Joke 4 – I Do Like This Job

On the day before his retirement, a construction worker sat with his supervisor at lunch.
"Last day, huh?" asked the supervisor. "Are you looking forward to retirement?"
"Let me put it like this," said the construction worker. "The most miserable existence I can imagine is spending years constantly performing manual labor, under the direction of a tyrannical overlord."
"Wow," said the supervisor. "I didn't realize I was making your life so miserable. In fact, I thought you liked this job."
"I do like this job. I was talking about my wife's plans for my retirement."
If you are yet to reach your thirties, there’s a chance that you haven’t even given retirement a single thought. Retirement jokes such as the ones above could either be funny or depressing depending on where you see yourself as you get old, which is inevitable, and so is retirement.

In the words of French writer and existentialist Simone de Beauvoir: “ Retirement may be looked upon either as a prolonged holiday or as a rejection, a being thrown onto the scrap-heap. ” How you see and how you want your retirement years to actually be like is entirely up to you.

Every decision you make today has an impact to your future. You have the power to decide now if you are going to be joking happily with friends and family when you finally retire–or be the butt of the joke. If you have started noticing how days and hours seem to be going by faster than usual, then perhaps it is time for you start preparing–or at least, thinking about–retirement now, regardless of how old you are. Let’s help you get started:

Calculate How Much You Need

One of the first things you need to do of course is to determine how much you need to live comfortably after retirement. Do you plan to travel the world, dive into a second career, or run a business? Visualize what you want to be doing when you finally stop being part of the labor force and start planning savings and investments to help meet your retirement goals.

Save 1% More, Build a Retirement Fund

You do not have to be thinking about building a retirement fund but saving is a definite must for anyone who is earning income, whether you are in your 20s or 50s. Finance experts advise setting aside at least 5%-or as much as you can afford–of your income in a savings deposit account. If possible, raise your savings percentage by at least 1% including bonuses, every year. And when the right time comes, you can allocate some of your savings to a retirement fund. If you are too deep in debt that you can’t seem to save enough, perhaps you need to assess your lifestyle, and find areas where you can possibly downsize.

Take Advantage of Employer Benefits

Find out if you can avail of a retirement plan with your employer or insurance provider. In the US, for instance, taxpayers can avail of a 401(k) plan wherein enrolees can get access to a pension fund upon retirement by making regular contributions. If you are already enrolled in a similar program, it will be wise to review your annual statements and assess whether the cost delivers enough value. If not, you might want to switch to investments that require lower fees.

Claim Tax Breaks

Depending on your income and your age, you might be entitled to tax credit. Call a finance expert and find out whether you can save up on your retirement fund by claiming tax credits.

Diversity Your Retirement Funds

Aside from government programs, there may be other ways for you to invest on retirement. Americans have the option to apply for a Roth account, which is a tax-free retirement plan that may contain investments, or health savings accounts. There are similar programs in Canada and the United Kingdom as well.

Social Security

If you have been paying social security for a while, you might want to check your statements to ensure that everything is in order. Check if your income history is properly recorded and know more about your expected payout from your Social Security account, as a form of insurance.

Author's box: Ian G. Elbanbuena is a blogger and infopreneur who writes on various topics mainly finance, self-improvement, business and marketing. At present he works on behalf, Malaysia's leading comparison website. This portal helps individuals in making the best decision by comparing rates from different finance providers.